Book 2 of On Darkness (No title yet)

Aug Pro Agent Challenge (Open 8am, 8/12)
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Audience and Genre: Adult Dark Fantasy

Logline For twenty ages and unknown to Koriath, his ex-wife has been plotting her cosmic scaled revenge; Koriath must break her chains on his soul to free himself, his family, and his people from her talons.

Entry

These nights, the City of the Dead truly is a city, look how pilgrims hustle about and merchants gather. Ah, I have gotten distracted, I apologize. In the middle of the city is the Guardian’s Temple where the Princesses of Darkness, Karasu Kurai and Karasu Phantisma, and Koriath the Guardian Emperor of Darkness, have just finished preparing their minds for astral flight. The two have been apprenticing their father since they had their twentieth hatch-night. Koriath, Phantisma, and Kurai have prepared their minds and offered prayers before beginning their sacred call tonight.
“This mission will be dangerous.” Koriath’s expression is as solemn as the temple room.
“More than any other mission?” Phantisma raises her bone-white brow.
“There is an extra-dimensional library with a multiverse of knowledge. There, in a section not known to the public, were books on all six elements, everything about each element. The books are self-writing and eternally scribing, even this conversation may be on its pages.”
“Is that why you’ve never spoken of it until now?” Kurai’s ruby eyes search his face.
Koriath makes eye contact with both of them and nods his head. “Our book on darkness has been missing.”
“Is the increase of peoples using dark matter and dark energy technologies when they should not be on that level of technical advancement tied to it?” Kurai questions.
“What does your heart tell you?” Koriath’s tone is ominously soft.
“It bears a sinking hurt thinking about it.” Kurai’s fae eyes close as she puts her glacier blue half corvid, half hominin talon over her heart.
“There is under-market trade for this type of information. After a few ages of searching, I finally got a lead to follow.”
“Understood, let’s not waste time.” Phantisma nods, her garnet eyes sparkle heroically.
“Moonstone, Nightshade.” Koriath’s garnet eyes mirror opposite his daughter. "You two may face grave danger. We do not know what our lead knows. They could hold the book itself, or have been sold only what information they need to create and power a starship. Only accompany me if you feel you are ready. If you feel unsure, please stay here. There is no shame in it.”
Before the warrior princesses can say anything, their father opens his arms and wings wide. Koriath pulls them both in for a quick yet mighty hug. Understanding their individual affection tolerances, Phantisma gets a kiss on the forehead and Kurai gets a shoulder pat. Both met with equal love and warmth.
“I would rather come home to both my princesses alive and safe. Yet, if you feel the call of the guardian’s mantle and you are ready, then let us go forth.” His wings fold as he pulls away from them.
“Dry your eyes, I’m ready.” Kurai stands proudly, wings puffed with confidence.
“As am I Aw’ddy, Let’s go.” Phantisma put her talon on Kurai’s shoulder.
Koriath smiles, full of tears and pride.
“Actually wait!” Phantisma clutches her waist belt nervously.
“What is it Moonstone? You just said you were ready.” Koriath’s smile remains, but the pride wanes into confusion.

CRITIQUE INSTRUCTIONS:
Your RC1 critique has two parts: The Story Score rubric and a written review.

For the rubric below, give a gut-level reaction to each question: 1 means it reads like a first draft. 3 means it’s good, but not something you’d remember. 5 means it reads like a book from the bookstore shelf. For more info on how to use the rubric, remove the “dot” and type the following into your browser: readychapter1 dot com/critique-guidelines/

For your written review, reply to the post. Your reply should include something positive, something to work on, and should be at least 75 words long.

  1. The author’s Voice is confident and compelling. I’m sucked in to the story.
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  1. The Characters feel distinct, complex, and relatable. I care about what happens to them.
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  1. I sense that the Plot is headed somewhere intriguing, and I’m curious as to what happens next.
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  1. Well-crafted Dialogue/Non-verbal Communication adds personality to the story. I’m intrigued by how the characters talk, think, and interact.
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  1. Descriptions are vivid and detailed. Whether the world is real or imaginary, it feels like I’m really there.
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Oh no, self-scribing books! That’s a pretty relevant topic given that that’s pretty much the magical version of AI. I’d love to know where this is going! A couple of notes: I think you may be dropping a little too much description of your characters into the dialogue … most of your quotes have a descriptor after them, like “Phantisma raises her bone-white brow” and “Kurai’s ruby eyes search his face.” This might just be a me thing, but I think including these descriptions in a single paragraph or two is a better approach, so readers aren’t distracted from the dialogue. I’m also going to give you some advice I’ve gotten myself, that you should think carefully about every adverb. For example, “Kurai stands proudly, wings puffed with confidence.” I don’t think you need “proudly” or even "confidence. “Kurai puffs her wings” does the job of conveying that she’s proud and confident without those extra words. Nice start to this story and great introduction to the characters. I’m intrigued!

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The 20 ages…is this simply years or something more complex…like eons? So right off the bat I’m thinking vampires…we’ll see. Hatch night….is this like hunting? Yikes on the bone white brow. So this books are self-AI? Hummm…Dark Matter, would this be the same as Dark Energy? So we’re getting into dark physics and that’s interesting. You may want to describe the blue corvid and talon just a tad bit more…I’m guessing some kind of protective suit. Why does Phantisma’s eyes sparkle heroically and what does that look like? Wonder what a large talon grab would feel like on my shoulder? Not the type of story I would read but it has staying power to continue. RRR

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Ryan, thank you.
So a corvapian (their species) year is called an “age”, one age is equal to one thousand of our years. Hatch-night, is like “birth-night” but these raven faeries from outer space are usually hatched from an egg, not through a mammalian birth. So essentially, the girls recently had their twentieth birthday which is their age to qualify as a legal adult.
Dark matter and dark energy are not the same thing in physics, however in this tale they are both one part under the element of darkness.

The first book gives that info, and I admit that one of my pain points is re-incorporating world building for readers who have not read the first. Thank you again, I will keep these questions in mind.

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Becki, thank you so much.
Ah, descriptions my weakest link, thank you for the extra set of eyes and the solid recommendations that can definitely be implemented.
You know, I am intrigued that you and Ryan here have compared the self-writing ever observant book to AI, and that got my brain thinking- I wonder who could be using this like flock cameras? You both have given me a new lens to see the horror pigments in. I admit, I never thought of the magical book as AI until right now.

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I really love the information given through dialogue so it doesn’t feel like an info dump. One thing that did throw me was the ‘I got distracted’ part which made me think it was first person narrative and it was from a person in the room watching the three, but then I realized it was third person. It does make me wonder what the book has to do with his ex-wife. But of course, 500 words is such a vrief snapshot of the whole story.

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Thank you Morgan,
Clearly it needs some real work on the pov, as I was going for an omniscient but in universe character narrator. I will do more research on making that smoother.
Indeed 500 words is very brief. Readers of book 1 will know that this magical tome goes missing during Koriath and Malencia’s twentieth anniversary date, he gets, basically a work a call, and leaves the date. She has to do with it going missing in the first place and is not around when he returns, and so begins book 1’s darkest hour arc and consequentially, their divorce for what she does to Kurai that night. Book 2 readers who have not read book 1 get at least the promise of a quest or conflict.
Just as in book 1, the magic tome is used as baiting and testing, she has something darker planned. However if this is not apparent it is a matter I must tend to.

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The challenge in a fantasy novel is to introduce the world and the characters gradually so the reader has a chance to absorb what’s going on. This, to me, is too much of a deluge.

We don’t know who the narrator is, and whether he/she will turn into an important character or just be an omniscient observer. If there is no POV character, then the bit about Koriath understanding his daughters’ individual tolerances needs to change, as no one else would know that.

New concepts like astral flight and hatch-night should be introduced more gradually. It sounds like they have some awesome powers, so there will be plenty of time to show them.

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So it took me awhile to fully type this out, as it was only after I posted my original comment that i realized that what you posted was the beginning of book two of a series! I think since I’m not familiar with book one, it was difficult to parse what could use improvement. On a reread, I do think that the beginning “Ah, I’ve gotten distracted” threw me for a moment, because I wasn’t sure what POV to expect. Beyond that, I think your description of emotions can be a little vague sometimes. For example

When I try to imagine that in my head, I end up a little confused. I think it would strengthen your writing if you instead described how one stands when they are feeling particularly brave. Chest out, wings flared, a smirk, perhaps? Describing body language as opposed to telling what it is generally makes your prose stronger.

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very interesting and great world building.

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Hi Keith, thank you so much.

So the narrator character is met in book one, and he/they will continue to be the narrator, however his is not the only POV. Siddhartha is is basically the god of knowledge’s assistant and this story is one of his many research and documentation projects. They can read minds, and are also the character who called Koriath when the tome went missing in book one, and the reader will have been shown that bit at least if they read the first volume.
I admit I do struggle with condensing and presenting it in a way that someone starting at this point would be - well not so lost. This feedback is important, thank you.

Koriath is the mc so most of the book will be in his point of view. I would have had him start with his pov in this opening chapter, however he does get knocked unconscious during the conflict in this chapter and I did not want to switch povs mid chapter, that would be ew to the reader.

Do you think a softer opening chapter would be better?

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Jerell, thank you so much.

That “Ah, I have gotten distracted” line can definitely be removed, as others have also tripped over it it seems. You also make good points that others have pointed out and I def have these recommendations in the notes.

If I may, what was your original comment? I am struggling with this so every bit of critique is super useful.

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Appreciate the detailed explanation. Every book needs to stand alone, so it is entirely fine to repeat things that have happened in the first book; think of the opening to every Star Wars movie.

I suggest you extend the narrator beginning to introduce the actual characters:

Let me take you inside [name and describe the place]. Here we find Koriath, who is [what kind of creature, something about what he looks like, his role in the universe and, most importantly, what he’s currently trying to achieve]. Now you can introduce his daughters separately - maybe he prefers one over the other, so you naturally have to mention some piece of each’s personality. Finally, they are trying to plan [whatever it is]. Let’s listen in on their conversation.

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