Punky Pixels

Aug Pro Agent Challenge (NOW CLOSED)
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Audience and Genre: Middle Grade

Logline Punky makes sketches in the margins of her math sheets. Starting at a new middle school, she’s anxious about fitting in with the popular girls and she doesn’t want anyone to know about her secret talet for animating or her YouTube channel of Gacha-chibi-fanfics for Empires SMP

Entry

Summer’s over and I’m half asleep brushing my hair in the bathroom mirror on the first day of school… I just wish for a few more days of summer so that I could keep working on my YouTube channel, Punky Pixels, the hottest anime, chibi-style, Minecraft, fanfic channel of the summer!.. Knock Knock Knock, my dusty old dad, “The van is running! It’s time.” and his dusty old book van! “Don’t want to be late on the first day.”

So embarrassing. I can’t have my dad drop me off on the first day of middle school in the old bookstore van with the “free library” mural painted on the side, so embarrassing! I look in the mirror and give up trying brushing the summer bushes from my hair.

“Ok dad,” uhg, splash water on my face. I don’t know what to wear. We had school uniforms in elementary… Should I just wear gray sweatpants and a tank top? No, a t-shirt? Jean shorts? My old school uniform shorts? Leggings? Short shorts like half the other girls are wearing? Midriff? Shorts so short a long t-shirt looks like a short dress! What would the seventh and eighth grade girls think of me with none of the right clothes to wear?!

Riding in the book van to school and I look out the window, seeing the reflection of me in the glass, looking out as the town passes by. I’m thinking about editing my anime, new apps and filters, prepping my Gacha artwork before dropping it into my video editor… Now I see the other middle schoolers, it makes me really nervous…I sketch of myself on the inside cover of my schoolbook. All I could think of… that first week of school, would I be cool? Didn’t even notice the teachers or boys at the school!

My name’s Pirscilla… I don’t know why anyone’s parents would name them Pirscilla… but mostly everyone calls me Punky and I’m happy with that. I have a secret, I taught myself to make digital animation using a cool phone that my mom doesn’t need anymore. I had to keep my YouTube channel a secret… I told my Dad “Drop me off at the park I’ll walk the rest of the way.” So the ‘book van’ wouldn’t draw attention to me. So I thought I was cool, backpack, water bottle, pencils and paper. but — TWEET — the crossing guard blew her whistle, I hadn’t waited for the light to enter the crosswalk. So much for not drawing attention.

I walked in the big double glass doors of the school. I saw the big kids all together and one kid with the biggest smile I’d ever seen was making them all laugh and then he looked right at me. “Your new what’s your name? I’m Milton, these guys call me loud mouth Milton”

CRITIQUE INSTRUCTIONS:
Your RC1 critique has two parts: The Story Score rubric and a written review.

For the rubric below, give a gut-level reaction to each question: 1 means it reads like a first draft. 3 means it’s good, but not something you’d remember. 5 means it reads like a book from the bookstore shelf. For more info on how to use the rubric, remove the “dot” and type the following into your browser: readychapter1 dot com/critique-guidelines/

For your written review, reply to the post. Your reply should include something positive, something to work on, and should be at least 75 words long.

  1. The author’s Voice is confident and compelling. I’m sucked in to the story.
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  1. The Characters feel distinct, complex, and relatable. I care about what happens to them.
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  1. I sense that the Plot is headed somewhere intriguing, and I’m curious as to what happens next.
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  1. Well-crafted Dialogue/Non-verbal Communication adds personality to the story. I’m intrigued by how the characters talk, think, and interact.
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  1. Descriptions are vivid and detailed. Whether the world is real or imaginary, it feels like I’m really there.
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Punky’s certainly got a lot of personality and spark! I’m really curious about her youtube channel hobby, and curious how her first day of school is going to play out. Milton certainly promises to live up to his namesake :blush: As for your writing itself, I would focus on punctuation, specifically on when to use a period instead of comma so your story has better “flow.” For the overall story, I was surprised we didn’t get to see what Punky’s outfit choice was after she spent so much time fretting about it. I think it would be fun seeing what she choose for herself! Keep going with your story, and have fun with it!